‘My timing is not His timing. My plans are not His plans. My ways are not His ways. My good for His Great.’ Words you keep telling yourself when you know something is coming, but you have no idea what it is.
I am a planner. I like to know that things have been thought through and planned, so I know what to expect. No surprises. Because, well, I hate surprises.
Let me elaborate. I don’t mind being surprised, but I can’t stand knowing there is one coming. If I am going to be surprised, I would prefer to be completely in the dark until it is fully revealed. I guess that is why I dislike scary movies or scary anything for that matter. I know I am going to be scared, I just don’t know when it’s coming, and that irritates the crud out of me.
I truly believe God finds this characteristic of mine amusing. Because although He is a planner as well, He does not always divulge His plans to His children. He gives us our daily bread. He wants us to depend on Him, trusting that He indeed has it all worked out. Giving us too much might make us greedy; giving us too little, would be leaving us wanting more.
Five years ago, God told me something was happening in my 40th year. That’s all He said, something. No details. No specifics. Not even a category. I already knew that my 40th year would include Jake graduating, but I knew that wasn’t going to be all.
When I first heard that message, I spent months imagining what it could be. Was I getting married? Was I moving to Guatemala? Or back to Florida? Was I getting married? (Oh, did I say that already?) I tried to find answers in everything. I was frustrated that I knew something was going to happen, but I didn’t know what.
As the years passed, the desire to know dwindled. I got busy and caught in the present that I forgot about the future, per say. Plus, it was so far off, it kind of seemed out of reach. Well, as my 40th year got closer, the anxiety and desire to know rekindled and it was stronger than ever. Jake graduated, knew where he was going to school and it was all paid for (PRAISE JESUS!!). But what about me? What was I going to do?
Well, some things worked themselves out and I ended up spending my 40th birthday back home in Florida. I spent 10 wonderful days with friends from throughout the 15 years Jake and I had lived there. Person after person asked when I was coming back. Of course, that was my desire, but I wasn’t certain if it was God’s will, so I just asked people to pray.
When I got back to Thomasville, I was renewed. Not knowing wasn’t scary anymore, it was just unnerving. I prayed and prayed. Begging for an answer. Begging for some huge revelation of the remainder of “the plan”, and it came, sort of. It wasn’t a huge revelation, but it was a huge storm. Hurricane Irma was on its way to crush my home and all I wanted was to be there with my friends. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to weather the storm with them.
The Friday and Saturday prior to the storm hitting, I was literally sick. My anxiety was causing my body to go haywire. Then God did something amazing. He made the hurricane fall apart. As the days passed, yes, there was evidence of a storm, but there was a sense of gratefulness for God and His never-ending mercy.
After a week of anxiety, anticipating the worst storm in history, there were deep breaths and sighs of relief. I was also relieved. Relieved my friends and their homes were spared, but my anxiety had made a shift. I now knew what my next step was to be.
And this is where I am today. At the crossroad of this next step, a new chapter. I have given a “I’m leaving, but not sure when” notice at work and know that I am moving back to Florida at some point, but that is as far as I know. I am looking diligently for a job. Applying for whatever opportunity crosses my path and praying for God’s direction every step of the way. Would I like the entire plan laid out before me? Of course, but for right now I will do my best to be satisfied with the daily bread He provides and try not to get too caught up in the fact that I still, in fact, hate surprises.